Give Yourself A Break: Why Doing Our Best Can Look Different Every Day
Here’s a question for you: do you think, in general, that people are doing the best they can? When academic and author Brené Brown was posed this question by her own therapist, her response was, “Are you kidding me?” When I initially read this in Brené’s book, Rising Strong, I had a similar reaction. Surely not. Especially not those who were not doing their very sustainable best, those not marching in the streets for equality, those not treating others with kindness and respect at every possible opportunity. But Brené’s husband, Steve, had an answer that hit home for Brené, and also for myself. “I don’t know. I really don’t,” he said. “All I know is that my life is better when I assume that people are doing their best. It keeps me out of judgement and lets me focus on what is, and not what should or could be.”
Oof. It’s a long fall down from the self-righteousness pedestal. Brené went on to research this very question, finding that ultimately yes, most people are doing the best they can, with the resources they have, with the tools they have at their disposal, with where they are at in life, and with what they can manage at the time. Just to be clear, this doesn’t mean that people are not accountable for their actions. As Brené explains: “Do I believe that serial killers and terrorists are doing the best they can? Yes. And their best is dangerous, which is why I believe we should catch them, lock them up, and assess whether they can be helped. If they can’t, they should stay locked up. That’s how compassion and accountability work.” Admittedly, there are a certain few war criminals and politicians I would like to reserve judgement for. However, assuming that most people are doing their best, at the very least, helps us respect people as they are and not who they could or should be.
And now here’s the kicker. Imagine if we gave ourselves the same grace. Outrageous! Often the most pressure impressed upon us comes from within. We can be our own worst enemies – if internal berating was an Olympic sport I would be firmly on that podium, medal between my teeth.
Often the most pressure impressed upon us comes from within. We can be our own worst enemies – if internal berating was an Olympic sport I would be firmly on that podium, medal between my teeth.
Turning that question back on ourselves is a liberating and eye-opening experience. The thing is, doing our best can look different to everyone. It can look different to ourselves, day to day, hour to hour. And it’s obvious to say, but there’s a LOT going on right now. There’s been a LOT going on for almost five years, and I’m certain there’s a global exhaustion happening. We are tired, oh so tired. Costs are rising, human rights are under attack, small businesses are flailing, the climate is changing, and there are political dumpster fires raging around us.
Getting out of bed might be doing your best. Heck, not getting out of bed qualifies as self-care. Right now, we all deserve a participation award for just getting through the day . It needs to be said that this doesn’t mean that we get to flip our privilege into “poor me”. I just think it’s ok to give ourselves a break and some compassion, while knowing that most others are not out there living their best, perfectly-curated lives while we are struggling on alone.
As our cover artist for Issue 62, Jess Bird, explained when asked why she started her art- and heart-filled Instagram account: “I posted on there about being imperfect, and sometimes sad, and being on meds, and feeling like I’m failing, but also doing my best.” She continued by so poignantly saying: “Knowing we are not alone is vital to helping us move forward. Feeling seen in our experiences helps us to feel validated in them and that helps us make space to heal … I hope people know they’re not alone in this complete hellscape of humanity we’re all trying to pilot.”
So, you did your best today? You get an award! She gets an award! He gets an award! They get an award! Your best might be better tomorrow – or not (and that’s ok, too). Your best is always evolving, your toolkit ever-changing, your knowledge forever growing. Be gentle with yourself (and those around you).
